Last night, I lost my wallet.

This morning, I went into work and sighed, "Man, what a bad day, I think I left my wallet in the sushi bar last night." April nodded in sympathy, then got a call on her cell phone. I hear, "She thinks she left it at a sushi bar." Her head popped over my cubicle wall.

"Gayle, your wallet is at the Simi Valley Police Department!"

Wow, April is a magician!

It would seem that last night, as I was climbing into a friend's car after a night of tofu and sakebombs, my wallet escaped my purse and landed on the mean streets of a Simi Valley subdivision. Once discovered, the hunt for me was on. My wallet doesn't contain my phone number, but it DOES contain my travel agent ID card, which lists the company where I work. So the police ran my workplace through their files and came up with... April. It seems that some "youthful indiscretion" had landed April on the books (international pineapple theivery, but you didn't hear it from me), along with her place of employment. So they pulled up HER file, and instead of contacting her, they called... her godmother?

April's godmother wakes up to a message on her home phone informing her that the police had the wallet of me, a person she had never met, and that I could pick it up anytime today. The police ended up calling a person who had never heard of me, who also just coincidentally happened to be related to the person who sits 10 feet away from me at work.

---

Then I accidentially deleted all the ad specials in the database.

Win some, lose some.

what comes after "But I'm a Cheerleader" and "Moulin Rouge"?

Me. Aaron. My little sister.

AX. Tomorrow.

If you're there, try to seek out a fat drunk white girl. It will probably be me???

Also if you're in LA and you wanna do something for July 4th leave a message~

A few years ago, I'd be moaning about missing Dynamis this weekend, but these days it's lower on the priority list than "drive 7 hours into the mountains of Northern California". Dad and Merilee were in Oakland for the week doing business, and tried to convince me to fly up for the weekend and drive to Georgetown to visit Grandma. Of course, they asked this 4 days before the weekend, so a roundtrip flight was approximately $500 at that point. Uh, pass? Then I thought, "Well, I have no social life, why don't I just drive there?"

It's ONLY 7 hours!

I don't mind driving alone for long distances- I even drove down from Seattle when I moved to L.A. If I have music playing I don't get very bored, and my action-packed gamer lifestyle has prepared me well to sit on my ass for hours at a time without cramping. Oddly enough I can't stomach long drives with Aaron- we would have flown if he had the weekend off. I would have flown ANYWAYS if my dad had mentioned he was ok picking me up from SFO ($49 each way on VA! Woo!) but that's beside the point since I've already, you know, DRIVEN 7 HOURS TO GET HERE.

I'm leeching wireless of someone's unsecured home network, so more later I suppose. But yay for vacations! Yaaaaaaay!

I've written before about the issues involved in, to use a technical term, "never having grown up". As I get older I'm realizing that the major problem is not the simple embarassment of liking the same music as 10-year-olds, it's MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.

Yes, that's right.

I'm a 25-year-old woman with a job, my own apartment, and an engagement.

And I know which Jonas Brother is which.

And I possibly have their Disney Channel show DVR'd.

Who am I kidding, I have the whole Sunday block DVR'd. Hannah Montana, Jonas, SONNY WITH A CHANCE.

Woe.

Of course, I am very insecure, so maybe they didn't really like my -

Now, if I were telling this story to you IRL, that would have been the point in which I went entirely silent for a half hour. That's because Aaron called and offhanded, "oh btw in 20 minutes i'm bringing my work friends over who make you extremely nervous because you don't think they like you and you're always like that around new people anyways and could you order some pizza?"

If this were a teen comedy, I'd pull away from the phone and gaze around me, the house in utter shambles from 90 minutes of cheap gags. Those who have lived with me previous know that my flair for housekeeping... well, isn't. It tends less towards "sparkling" and more towards, "oh my GOD, is that MOVING?" So in true "Hi kids, we're home early!" form, I dash around the apartment and manage to clear up most of the traces of 2 months of Mopey Miss Moocow Living on the Couch. The clothes were shoved out of sight. The endless Super Saver junk mail was poured into shopping bags (that's recycling!). The bathroom was scrubbed and windexed in a haze of life-expectancy-reducing chemicals that probably shouldn't be mixed. The pile of dishes in the kitch... they were re-stacked, at least. The plates and silverware were staged appropriately, submerged in sudsy water. I made crust and baked pie yesterday, so there was no chance of getting all of the dirtied bakeware and prepware hidden, but I hoped maybe it would make me look... like a homemaker?

By this time I am soaked in nervous sweat and smelling like a sewer, so Aaron saunters in to a precariously clean house and a Little Missus that looks like one of those drunk driving mug shots. HOW IMPRESSIVE.

But I tried.

In true Gayle fashion, I spent my 3 day weekend being sick. Because who wants to have fun anyways?

Woo!

OK, I get that Bones is the "smart" investigation drama, but is it REALLY considered so high brow that they now need a mid-episode recap for the people too dumb to pay attention for a WHOLE HOUR? To keep my brain from hurting I will hold out a hope that they're trying to catch people coming off a popular 30 minute show on another channel- but in that case why is it phrased like they're talking to a group of preschoolers?

"What a fun episode so far! A guy was shot! Wow! Did you miss when that car exploded? Boom!"

---

Today when I got off the freeway I started hearing this noise from my back right wheel. *shnk* *shnk* *shnk shnk shnkshnkshnkshnk*.... So of course I freak out, as all sorts of nightmare wheel-popping-off scenarios run through my head. I wanted to go to the mechanic right then but it was already almost 6PM and by this time I was sobbing heavily and working myself up into a nice panic. So I limp home and call Aaron at work to panic at him a little, and he rolled his eyes (well, I couldn't hear this over the phone, but I always imagine that's what happens when I call him in a tizzy) and told me he'd look at it when he got home. The cause of the CAR DESTROYING AXLE BREAKING WHEEL LOSING ENGINE ON FIRE *SHNK* noise?

A liiiittle piece of mesh grating from the road had gotten stuck under the car and was hitting the wheel in a little pattycake motion. But on the bright side I DID get Aaron's special look, the one that says "I think you're an idiot but I love you too much to say it out loud."

TB has his headphones up so loud that I can hear Dusk's every word on Vent right now- and they're in the other room.

EDIT: NO I DON'T DUSK

EDIT2: SO MANY TEARS

I guess now that I'm a year older, it's so popular EVERYONE'S doing it~

I need someone to tell me it's a bad idea to buy that new mini-pack for FFXI this weekend and play for a month to try out all the things I ignored as best I could from the December update.

RuPaul's Drag Race is better that ANTM because Drag Race has Charro.

Dollhouse confuses me- why would someone spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get an active imprinted just to deliver your baby at your mountain chalet when you can get a midwife for like, 5k?

Also the midwife is legal.

I'm willing to believe bodyguard, lover, even MAYBE kidnap negotiator. But imprinting a midwife is like... imprinting a personal shopper or a wedding coordinator. Plenty of people have the skills you need and they are happy to take your money! Unless you are maybe afraid that your newborn is also a NINJA and you will need frontline protection.

From now on instead of saying I'm straight, I will be "especially not gay".

Also, due to a work conversation, I no longer have a fiance, I have a "boyfriend-in-law".

Holy shit, does Nigel have cancer? (Note: If he actually has cancer I will feel bad)

Aminat speaks the truth like some kind of tall, hot, skinny prophet. Jesus Jesus Jesus ok we get it London. Mr. & Mrs. Jay? Have they run off to Massachusetts? One time I went to the courthouse with Carol and saw two cute guys getting married.

Sandra's hair is driving me crazy. The makeover episode cannot come fast enough. I feel really really bad about Tahlia because they should at least give her a fair outfit- it's like dressing the plus size girl in a sack every time.

For such a goody-two-shoes, London sucks at being a good girl.

Holy shit, how will epilepsy girl be a model if she's photosensitive? I love the commercials they show during Top Model. Better than the superbowl.

OMG Bug-Eye looks even crazier with eyeliner on. Celia has a crazy runway walk, she reminds me of jello if jello could walk FIERCE.

Are you gonna procreate? PERHAPS I SHALL.

This photoshoot is too conceptual for me. PLAY TAG WITH A DRUNK PREGNANT TEEN FOR FASHION. This is why I had to go to college and get a boring job.

I have never heard of a game called "London Bridge." How can Sandra hate on Aminat? I'll call it now, Aminat is my pick for #1, which means she'll be 2 or 3.

The pictures of Tyra in the house creep me out. She's so crazy. Why does Tahlia keep making me feel sorry for her? I DON'T WANT HER AS MY PITY PICK.

I just realized that this is on my DVR and I've been watching commericals for no reason for like 2.75 hours.

I hate when Tyra tries to think so much. Sandra has let me down. I hope she leaves. Celia has little wrinkles in her pictures. I have a girl crush on Fo. And Aminat. (and maybe london oh god why) Tiana has a horseface but she really knows how to use it. Bug-Eye does not even have to try because she already looks like a creepy runway model. How tight is Natalie wearing her headband that it leaves a LINE?

Oh god, Bug-Eye just became endearing. PREDICTABLE final 2, tho. No spoilers up in this muth but you all know who I was rooting for to go anyways.

But anyways, this season is bringing some a w e s o m e compared to the last few.

See, after 6 years of watching this show, I have a psychic bond. So when I decided out of the blue to check the DVR for the next season yesterday, it was FATE that the premiere was today, right?

I'm actually watching this while writing, so I am a little worried that if I pick my favorites now they won't make the final 13. But I feel safe in saying HOLY SHIT MONIQUE IS TALL. And whichever that girl who is rockin' the afro hard, I choose her for #1. Also I'm feelin' Freckles McGee. Not a fan of Country Jersey, Bug-Eye and Tahlia (see, I dislike her so much I remembered her name!)

At least they've abandoned the idea that the Top Model will ever be a Top Model. It's OK Top Model, you know I love you for who you are. I watch it cause Tyra and Co. get crazier every cycle, no need to pretend that the girl who survives this crazyhouse will be walking all tall in Milan and Par-ee. Though, how will you beat Breastmilk Mama from last season?

OMG check the shit out of those shoes on Miss Kenya. Except then she ruins it by crying. Giiiirl you do not know how to work it. It's ok, I can still love you, because you're "chocolate and beautiful" and I believe that a makeover will wipe that hair away. I predict street preacher will make the 13, right? Cause she will bring the d r a m a. Next~ My name. Is. Jessica and I. Am. America's Next. Top Model?

Burn girl, I cannot make fun of. Now I feel bad for not liking her. But I don't think she'll make the 13.

Hooooly shit Monique is also CRAZY. I love her. The only way she could be any better is if she was pumping breastmilk. But she has some saggy boobers for someone so skinny.

A M I N A T. ilu girl. No more words. Let's just find somewhere alone and make it happen.

There are some plain looking white girls this season. Are they just saving them for something extreme in the makeover ep? I HAVE A PIZZA PEN. Oooh, Tyra ripped her apart.

Boring girl, boring girl, boring girl.

Fo! I also love your freckles. I picks u 2.

I feel bad for Huge Nails because that chick behind her is just looking sympathetic for the camera. She's just staring INTO the camera, trying to look caring. Ick.

Op. I feel bad because I forgot McKey won last season until I saw her CoverGirl commercial!

Huge Nails has a cute body but she just rubs me the wrong way. Celia has crazy eyes but I can't help but like her- mostly because she was an UGLY child like me. The plus size girl is hella skinny this round. Bug-Eye DOES look like a scary doll. And she's creepy as fuck too. Holy crap. "I think I might give off a strange vibe" No SHIT you crazy person.

First cut time! Monique didn't make it :( Everyone else made it that I liked, because after 12 seasons I KNOW HOW TO PICK 'EM. Except for the winner, who I have never chosen correctly. OPZ.

Fo has mastered Pretty Ugly. I see good things in her future.

CATFIGHT! Huge Nails and Miss Kenya, how unprofessional! The best season was the one where they did the naked shoot in the first episode- I think this group would disintegrate if they had to do it.

Hey, Cycle 13 is gonna be America's Next Short Model? SIGN ME UP, all I have to do is not eat for the next 6 months and I'm in.

They point out that Celia is smart, but they hated that Elise was smart. Cause smart girls get fed up with model idiocy. I know a guy that looks exactly like Tiana, btw.

Final Call! Aminat! Fo! Bug-Eye! Burninator! Oldie! Plus Size! Jess.I.Ca! SANDRA! This season is hotter than they've been in awhile.

Huge Nails cries. NOT BUFFALO NOOOOOOOOO.

Let's take a deep breath before part 2.

The one single thing in this entire world that annoys me more than anything is that multi-grain cheerios commerical where the box has obviously been edited in, and badly. It looks like a B-Movie about cereal.

Ever since I returned from Canada, I have been consumed by a burning desire. No, not for Jub, but for poutine!

And kind of for Jub.

But I live in Southern California, so while I live within a block of 4 totally authentic Chinese restaurants, poutine isn't quite in abundant supply. I despaired. Until a week ago when I went to the farmer's market and the cheese guy had white cheddar curds. A PLAN WAS BORN. So tonight I tried my hand and I don't think my first shot turned out bad at all. The curds didn't get as melty as I'd hoped because I'd let the fries get cold, but if I can fix that next time I can clog my arteries WHENEVER I LIKE. Take that, Border Patrol!

Aaron came home from work early to do Naxx... yeah, no shocker why I don't ever feel like playing anymore. If I ever get that bad again I'm cancelling my internet.

My fridge is an angry, touchy monster but I've learned to live with it because I don't want to buy my own. (Did you know in LA the apartments don't generally come with fridges? You bring your own when you move in, unless you're us and are lucky enough to get a legacy fridge) For example, last week it "helped" by defrosting a quarter of my freezer for me. Fortunately this was some veggie scraps for soup stock and a puddle of former ice cubes, but I was still a bit miffed. Today it decided to switch things up on me and froze the bottom half of my fridge! Including all my vegetables for the week. Y a y. So I guess what's for dinner is "Rubber Parsnips and Carrots Cooked Till it Doesn't Matter" with some sort of frozen radish dessert. Then I can make Good Half of a Daikon Pickles and finish the evening by bludgeoning myself to death with a leek bat.

Clearly, I was just trying to save the strawberries from the same fate!